What to Do in Case of a Nuclear Attack

Some time ago I saw guidelines prepared by a human resources department outlining what employees are to do in the case of a nuclear attack. Though the statement was utterly serious, I laughed through the entire thing. I couldn’t help imagining a mushroom cloud growing on the horizon as I grasped for the employee handbook, concerned about whether or not my instinctive reaction to hide under the desk would get me written up . . . or fired.

Needless to say, the whole idea of employee handbook recommendations for a proper response to a nuclear attack tickled my imagination in a Dr. Strangelove kind of way. And, as macabre as it may be, I was inspired to write my own employee handbook supplement.

XIII.2.A. What to Do in Case of a Nuclear Attack

1. Your individual response in the case of a nuclear attack first depends on whether you are the attacker or the victim. If you are the victim, the following policy relates to you. If you are the attacker, please note that instigating a nuclear attack is grounds for immediate termination of employment from the Company. See Human Resources regarding severance package options.

2. Nuclear attacks can radically change the weather. If a nuclear attack occurs in your area, call the Company’s inclement weather hotline to determine whether or not to come to work. Of course, your local situation may be different than that of the office, so if you need to use a personal or sick day to stay home during a nuclear attack, be sure to notify your immediate supervisor and report your time off.

3. Besides the risk of bodily injury or even death, nuclear attacks have also been known to cause skin burns, baldness, every known variety of cancer, multi-generational deformations, unexpected developments of super hero powers, and severe mood swings. In short, nuclear attacks can radically change your life. Please note that the Company insurance does not cover the therapy necessary to help you through these life changes, though you may use your flex spending accounts for this.

4. Do not look directly at a nuclear explosion (also known as the “mushroom cloud” or simply “The Shroom”). Doing so could cause blindness or permanent migraines, both of which could diminish workplace productivity.

5. The blast wave of a nuclear attack can take up to 30 second to reach your location and will arrive from the direction of The Shroom. It is inadvisable to hide behind things to save yourself from the blast wave, as these objects will likely topple and crush you. It is also inadvisable to face the blast wave unprotected, as blast waves can disintegrate you. The best thing to do in the 30 seconds before the arrival of a nuclear blast wave is to turn your back to The Shroom and run run run.

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