The "Stream of Consciousness" Bible Story

Too much caffeine + too little sleep + too much Bible =

Adam was the first man and had no mother or father; so he was an orphan. His wife, Eve, gave him an apple pie to eat. It was sweet in his mouth, but sour in his stomach. God drove him out of the Garden of Gethsemane and he started to sweat blood. The blood was so high it reached the horse’s bridle. This bridle shower came right before the wedding feast of the lamb and His bride.

At first the Garden of Eden didn’t have rain, but a mist came and watered the trees. This was the first mystery. Later the rain came, and sometimes God flooded the whole earth with rain; but every time He did it, He promised He would never do it again. God repented that He made man on the earth, so He made manna in the wilderness instead, but the earth opened and swallowed up 5000 men as they listened to Jesus preach the bad attitudes.

Noah built the Ark of the Covenant and filled it with animals and commandments. After raining 40 days and 40 nights, David became king and reigned for 40 years. The dove flew out to find an olive branch, so the Ark landed on the Mount of Olives where someone had built their rock on the sand. On that rock Jesus built His church three days after tearing down the temple.

Elijah and his twin brother, Elisha, made a living profiting in Israel. They peddled the Word of God as profits. When they were hungry, God sent manna in the wilderness. Manna is bread made without yeast used to feed the Passover lamb slain before the foundation of the world.

Jesus wandered in the wilderness for 3 days and 40 nights and was prevented from entering the land, because 2 disciples say “Yea” and 10 said “Nay.” Because of this, He suffered outside the city, and the Devil came in the form of a Serpent and tempted him to eat rocks from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Jesus picked up the snake and turned it into a staff, but when He threw it down, it became a snake again. Then he put it on a stick and raised it up in the wilderness.

Peter split the Red Sea to get the axe head out of the fish’s mouth so he could rend Caesar in two Caesars. Peter was so dumb that Jesus called him a rock. Then Jesus helped Peter catch a lot of fish so he could feed His sheep. He didn’t have enough fish to go around, so they did a miracle by turning all the fish into loaves and wine into blood.

The Roaming soldiers didn’t like Jesus so they criticized Him on a cross. They put on his crown a head of thorns. Jesus was so mad He cast a legion of demons into a den of lions. The lions ate the demons and Daniel escaped. Ever since then Daniel kept having really bad dreams about lions, bears, leopards, and other monsters.

Saul was king of Israel before he met the Lord on the Road to Damascus and went blind. Jesus healed his eyesight by spitting in his face and pulling out His beard because he wouldn’t prophecy. A bunch of kids made fun of him because he was bald and a big bear with three ribs in his mouth killed the kids and trampled them underfoot for 42 months.

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